Have you ever noticed that sometimes things come into your life as you need them? Not, like magic, or a genie in a bottle, but maybe, yes, a little like magic. I was very upset after a phone call with one of my brothers. Our phone calls often go not really well. We have a tendency to set each other off, but this went to a whole new level and ended with him accusing me of something egregious and hanging up. Usually when he’s that cruel, he’s been drinking, which is what I asked when he made the accusation. “Are you drunk?” Not sure if he heard it before he hung up on me. I was very agitated and tired of him hanging up on me anytime I said something he didn’t like. It’s why I don’t often take calls from him. I will on occasion, because he is my brother. This felt like a ‘last straw’ moment. I was not willing to keep having calls like these, yet I didn’t want to totally cut my brother out of my life. I didn’t know what to do and I stewed over it for a few days.
Then I got a book in the mail, called Loving People Who Are Hard To Love by Joyce Meyer. I don’t think I ordered the book. I occasionally get books from her because I’m a partner, but certainly wasn’t expecting one now. And, it seemed like some kind of divine intervention. Okay, move that book to the top of the stack. (I tend to read 2-3 books at a time). That same week, on one of my zoom calls, I mentioned that I was upset about an incident with my brother, and my friend Michelle suggested I listen to a Brene` Brown podcast on Living BIG. She talks about dealing with difficult people. She talked to her shrink about a person in her life that made her crazy, and her shrink brought up the question, “What if everyone is doing the best they can?” She initially rejected the idea, just as I did. “Really?” I thought. “That’s the best he can do?” But then again, what if it is? The podcast and the book gave me a lot to ponder.
The book talked a lot about forgiveness. Forgive people, as we have been forgiven by God, for all of our screw ups. Now, this is not to say we need to be walked all over or abused. There are definitely people that it’s appropriate to keep at a distance. But what if we could still love them? Could we give someone grace because they’re dealing with their own shitake, which we know nothing about? It might not make a difference for them, but it maybe could for us. We could still have peace in our lives.
The podcast presented the challenge: What if everyone is doing the best they can? I immediately jumped to “Hell no. They can certainly do better than that.” But, can they? In those moments, do I really know what’s going on with them and how what I’m saying is landing over there? My husband and I were talking about this the other night on a walk. He suggested, that everyone can do better than what they are doing. I considered that. I suppose that could be true, however someone would have to want to do better and realize that they could do better. I believe the whole idea of ‘everyone is doing the best that they can’ is, it puts us in a better space. It gives us the opportunity to show tolerance, grace and forgiveness. It could make our lives better. Now, an important point made also in the podcast is to set boundaries with difficult people. Realizing people are doing the best that they can, does not give them the right to treat you badly. Boundaries! That’s brilliant. That’s what’s missing in my calls with my brother. Over the next few days, I did some meditating and journaling about this and then was ready to call my brother.
When he answered he seemed cautious, probably expecting me to lash out at him, which may have been my impulse previously. But, after our initial greeting, I said, “I know our calls haven’t gone especially well and we tend to trigger each other. I’m not committed to our calls going that way and I’m tired of you hanging up on me every time you don’t like what I’m saying. Let’s try this, if either one of us starts getting upset for any reason on our call, they can call a break, and we’ll amicably leave the call, have a cooling down period and then talk again after we’ve calmed down. No more of either of us saying rash things and hanging up.”
He thought this sounded like a good idea and agreed to it. He also thanked me for calling, after the way he left the last call. I asked him why he said what he said on our last call. At first, he didn’t want to share, but I just waited until he did. He felt that he wasn’t informed when my husband and I bought our mom’s house, and that he should have been, and that was why he said what he said. I remember informing all the brothers, not that we needed their permission, but because Greg and I have been completely transparent with all of our dealings with my mom. I listened to him without interrupting. After, I told him I thought we told everyone and, just to be clear, I don’t feel we needed anyone’s okay to do this. This was between us and mom, we let you guys know more of a courtesy. I added, “You do know this was mom’s idea, don’t you? We wanted to buy a different house that we could all move freshly into, but mom freaked and didn’t want to leave her house. She came up with the idea of our buying her house.” I think he still felt like he should have had some kind of say about it. I did not argue the point further and just listened to him. I believe he felt heard and thusly felt better. He did add that he knew if we didn’t step in with mom, she’d probably be in a facility by now. We ended the call with ‘love you’ and I felt better and believe he did too.
I think the idea of taking on ‘what if people are doing the best they can?’ is more about giving us a powerful stand to come from, than the truth. On one hand, people can always do better than they are doing. And, maybe in those tough, frustrating moments, they really are doing the best that they can, just as in our ugly moments, we are doing the best we can. Either way, it gives us an opportunity to be better, and show grace and love, not because it’s deserved but, because it gives us peace, which we deserve. So, thank you Joyce for your book and Brene` for your podcast, and those that sent them in my direction. Taking on ‘everyone is doing the best they can’ is having me take on being the best I can be.